987 Days

It’s been 987 days since I’ve written a blog. ┬áNine hundred and eighty seven days since I’ve written much more than a paragraph, and certainly nothing I would have posted publicly.

 

Grief had a way of tearing you up inside. It makes you question everything in your life, your world and your faith. It seeps into cracks and areas you never knew existed. Raw, deep, powerful emotions begin to churn inside. Things you wish you could say, or scream, to anyone who will listen; but you bite your tongue, afraid of what people will say or even worse- not say- if you do.

 

I stumbled upon a phrase the other day that grabbed me.

“The thing you are most afraid to write- write that.” ~Nayyirah Waheed

 

I have been silent, far to long. Fearing what I would say, if given the chance, made me feel like I was dirty, or broken. Shame crept in and mingled with grief. Shame has a way of doing that, of creeping in during moments of doubt and causing us to remain in the darkness alone. But vulnerability and light, that drives shame so far that we cannot even see it any longer.

So goodbye, shame, you aren’t welcome here. Goodbye, guilt and fear. It’s been a long time coming, but I’m pulling up the curtains, opening the windows and turning on the lights.